The Tannoy Prank

Part 1: The Terrorists

[FX: Untuned radio]

[FX: Manic laughter with heavy echo]

[Terrorist (Dan)]

We are in control, and we have a hold on the building. We have planted a bomb in every room, and we will detonate them one by one.

[FX: Explosion]

[FX: Manic laughter with heavy echo]

[Terrorist]

Some of your friends are dead; you will never see them again. Now everybody, lie down on the floor. EVERYBODY LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

[FX: Gunfire; screaming]

[Terrorist]

You will learn to comply. Listen to the words of a victim.

[Victim (Dan M)]

Do what he says. Do whatever he wants, please.

[FX: Police sirens]

[Terrorist]

Who called the police? Was it you...?

[FX: Explosion]

[Terrorist]

... or you... ? Hahahaha!

[FX: Screaming]

[FX: Excerpt from 'Wayne's World']

"Isn't it great that we're all better people? FISHED IN!"

[Music: "Disconnect" - Henry Rollins]

[Music: "Cherub Rock" - Smashing Pumpkins]

Part 2: The Teachers

(Music continues)

[Mr Hewson]

Good afternoon, this is Mr Hewson here, also known as Gruesome, and I am thick, uh pretty gruesome, and not very nice to be with.

[Interviewer (Dan)]

What have you been up to with your mates then, Mr Garner?

[Mr Garner]

Tying them up... playing silly games...

[Interviewer]

I think I've heard enough of that, thank you!

[Music: "Hard-hearted Woman" - Dan May Blues Band]

[Interviewer]

I could tell you who ol' Mr Squeaky-voice doing the vocals is, but I won't... Paul.

[Music: "Quiet" - Smashing Pumpkins]

[Interviewer]

I asked some teachers what they thought of end-of-term pranks. Mr France, do you think they're a good idea?

[Mr France]

Yes I do think it's a good idea, because it give pupils lots of opportunities to do things that they wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to do.

[Interviewer]

Yes, I would agree with that. Did you ever do this sort of thing when you were at school?

[Mr France]

No, when I was at school they used to keep us working till the very last day of the summer term.

[Interviewer]

That's... that's really terrible. We all know that Miss Whitehead has recently been promoted to deputy head teacher. Are you enjoying your new job?

[Miss Whitehead]

Yes, it's very enjoyable. Not that I do very much, I'm afraid, because I'm busy doing other things.

[Interviewer]

I... see. I'm now here with Mr Parkington, and I'm gonna find out if there's any truth in the rumours that have been circulating. Mr Parkington, is it true that you, erm, often parade naked in the streets?

[Mr Parkington]

Yes I do.

[Interviewer]

Wh... why exactly is that?

[Mr Parkington]

I think it brings a lot of pleasure to a lot of people.

[Interviewer]

Mm-hmm. Uh, what sort of women do you like?

[Mr Parkington]

I think the local ones really, that don't cost anything.

[Interviewer]

Uh, no I... I... oh, it doesn't matter. Well, seeing as I'm in the neighbourhood of the offices, I think I'll just pop in and speak to some of the staff. What do you think to our little prank?

[Office woman]

It doesn't really make a lot of difference to the people in the office.

[Interviewer]

Erm, no, that's not what I wanted to hear. Here's a tenner.

[FX: Rustle of paper]

What do you think of our tannoy prank?

[Office woman]

I think it's a lovely idea for the pupils.

[Interviewer]

Thank you. Mrs Marum, I know you've left, but would you care to tell me if you think there's going to be a lot more of these sorts of things happening in school.

[Mrs Marum]

I think so. I hope so. It's early days, isn't it?

[Interviewer]

It certainly is. Thank you. And Mrs Bryant, do you enjoy it?

[Mrs Bryant]

Yes, I thoroughly enjoy it.

[Interviewer]

Thank you! *laughs* And so what did you say to her then?

[Unknown teacher]

Don't ram it down my throat, or it'll come out all distorted!

[Interviewer]

*laughs* Look Mr Jarvis, just say you think it's a good idea!

[Mr Jarvis]

You're putting me under pressure here.

[Interviewer]

I know I am. Just do it! (Polite tone) Mr Jarvis, don't you think this is an excellent idea?

[Mr Jarvis]

I think it's an excellent idea, yeah.

[Interviewer]

Thank you. Mrs Ellis, what do you think -- pretty good, hey?

[Mrs Ellis]

Yes, we've enjoyed it. Up to now.

[Interviewer]

Ah. I see. Well, goodbye then.

[Dan]

I hope you like Smashing Pumpkins, cos here comes some more. And if you don't, you're just very sad.

[Music: "Rocket" - Smashing Pumpkins]

[Interviewer]

Mr Hockenhull, do you think the pupils are enjoying the music and all the teacher comments and everything?

[Mr Hockenhull]

Well I don't, so why should they?

[Interviewer]

Ah. Well, what about the music? Do you have a particular favourite song that we've played so far?

[Mr Hockenhull]

Uh, I don't... I haven't really thought about it to be quite honest. There are lots of very... I wouldn't say there was any one better -- it depends on your own interests.

[Interviewer]

Yeah... right. Well, you've heard lots of teachers there commenting on what we've been doing so obviously most of them approve, so I'm sure we're not going to get into trouble. At all. Sadly, that's about all I have to say now. I'm gonna leave some music playing -- see how long it takes the teachers to find out where this lot's coming from. In case you're wondering this is being heard in every room in the main block. Unfortunately we couldn't reach the new block. We hope you have been entertained and enthralled, yet we hope nobody has been offended. Now I'll just do what everybody always tells me: I'll just shut up. Here's Faith No More.

[Music: "Land of Sunshine" - Faith No More]

[Music: "Caffeine" - Faith No More]

[Music: "Rocket" - Smashing Pumpkins]